platanosandmangoes.com

Savings on savings

2011-12-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, I NEVER use my blog to promote anything except what I share BUT, with Christmas around the corner and the dollar being stretched till it's practically see through I wanted to offer this website to others as I've been enjoying the benefit of purchasing gift cards at half the price. The fine print is that you will not get it as quickly as they say ( that's been my experience) but they have made good on my orders and I have used my giftcards already so I can "safely" share this with you. The website is savemore.com they have National Deals as well as "local" deals. I just bought a Papa Johns Gift card for half the price and we order from there frequently(especially since my son works there!) Here is my referral link http://svmr.co/LyXw I do get credit if you order but I've not used my credit yet so that is one area I'm not so sure about. Anyways, Merry Christmas and I hope this information helps!

Table for 20

2011-11-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

(image respectfully from sonalimangal.com

A couple of weeks ago I had planned on going to California to visit with a Tia who was diagnosed with cancer and who would soon be reaching the end of her journey. To my surprise (along with the rest of the family) she passed away sooner than we'd anticipated. That led to me making the trip in honor of her funeral ( not my first choice, I'd rather see the person and talk with them!) It was bitter sweet, I was so glad to be with the family and loved the opportunity to reconnect with family members I'd not seen for several years. After the service we all gathered at a restaurant to spend more time together. We took several photos and I savored each moment. In the back of my mind I wished my mom , along with my other Tia's who have passed away, could have all been there. They would have truly enjoyed the sight of five tables being pushed together and the noise that came from such a crowd. I enjoyed the amount of space we all collectively held for that time. The next day I asked my husband to take me back to that same restaurant ( hey the food was very good) The tables and chairs had all been returned to their respectable places. I looked at that space and felt it to be empty compared to the night before. We too have all returned back to our respectable places to continue functioning in our places yet,the beauty of being able to come together as a family and inhabit that time was a gift. Thanksgiving is soon coming and as we host that day we'll be adding an extra table for those coming together. These tables hold a space for each one of us and as some of us leave our seats ( like my mom, my aunts..) others join (through marriages ,babies....) From the "kids table" to the " too cool teen table." I look forward to sharing my little space with those around me for however long God permits.
Psalm 23:5 " You prepare a table before me........"

platanosandmangoes.blogspot.com is participating in pour out your heart wednesdays graciously hosted by thingsicantsay!

What is a christian? Please Respond!

2011-04-13T06:10:00.000-07:00

The Christian Experiment...

With recently re-entering the workforce I personally challenged myself not to share my beliefs or my faith with anyone at my job. I do this with the purpose that I'm hoping people will see a difference based on my work performance and attitude. I want to be a light (or as I tell my 7 yrs old ...a flashlight) and a light is something you see with your eyes and not necessarily "hear with your ears." Although I do believe if the door is open for a discussion, there is an appropriate time and approach to any topic. I am usually comfortable sharing what I believe in and why I believe it but, this approach for me was a challenge where I was able to really ask myself " Will people know I am a Christian without me having to say anything?" I take that train of thought with a quote from Billy Graham who said "share your faith, and if necessary use words". I really wanted to share it first by my actions and then (and only then) if there is an open door share with my words. So, I propose the question to all. What does it mean to be a Christian? I know a question like this can spur on some intense emotions and all I ask is that whatever your opinion is , you share it constructively. Please respond in the comment section. Thank you! (participating in Pour out Your heart through thingsicantsay!)

Walking through the walls of water

2011-04-10T08:43:00.001-07:00

Lately I’ve been pondering the escape route the people of God took when they left Egypt. It wasn’t a quick thing that took place when they left. I imagine a weary people clutching to whatever they had as they stepped in fear and exhaustion. After all,the days prior to their leaving their work was doubled and the things they saw must have put them in such a state of stupor. All of this is reflective of course yet when we decide to leave our lives representation of Egypt we experience perhaps those same fears and exhaustion. I imagine as they began crossing the sea with their captors behind them yet the unknown before them that they did it in silence. They walked away from the impossible, through the impossible, into the impossible. At one point though their silence did turn into praise perhaps there when Moses began singing they understood that they were truly free. What joy must have befallen them to know that neither they nor their children would have to mortar another stone for Pharaoh. I sit here this morning beginning my own song, I’m seeing that God is still the God who works on our behalf and in my own version of Egypt (I have many) He has brought me through. I’m grateful this morning and end with the lyrics from Moses song. “The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God…” Exodus 15:2

is all really all?

2011-03-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended a women's retreat. It had been at least 4 years since I attended a retreat(excluding my WWGG retreat,but that's a different story all together). I was in a cabin where I didn't know most of the women which can make you a little nervous but, by the end of the weekend I had truly felt like I got to know more of them than had I simply seen them every Sunday. Anyways, the theme of the retreat was ,seasons and how each season applies to a relationship with God. The first night the focus of the study was how He makes all things beautiful in it's time, I've heard that verse quite often and it was even the verse we had for our wedding !(yeah) But in previous times my focus on that verse was the word "beautiful" and was caught up in the romance of how God makes things beautiful and isn't this wonderful, blah blah blah. Not that those things are not true ,but again for our wedding that was the verse and even the song I walked down the aisle to. Yet here I found myself sitting at the retreat rehearing this verse and finding myself asking God "really?, really Lord can you make ALL things beautiful?" The word "all" is well ALL of it! I have alot of "all" in my life that needs some serious beautifying. Is it possible really? I sat there and felt that pinch in my heart because I doubt that ALL of the ugly in my life can be made not just different, but beautiful still. I in my head "know" the answer is yes but, confess that in my heart the fear of hoping for it causes me to be wary! And yet, I know I need to trust Him for the "all" after all, He is the all in all!

My First Day

2011-03-24T21:32:00.000-07:00

(wrote this almost two weeks ago but just now am posting!!)

My first day

I’m getting ready for my first day of work. I’ve got my clothes ready, I’ve got my directions, I’ve got everything set up as much as possible.

I’m in a new place, starting a new job entering a new season. With all these “new” things I hope to leave the old things behind and pray that they can truly be passed away. I’m a little nervous about all these changes but I keep my focus that these “new” things are for the purpose of something specific being made new. So, with this new season I have my own personal anthem, I know I’ll be getting ready for work with this song playing to remind myself that this isn’t my final destination nor is it my final purpose, I have not “made it” by any means but, I am on my way.

There's a better version of me
That I can't quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I'm a total mess and
Right now I'm completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
'Cause you're not through with me yet

Chorus:
This is a redemption's story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you're chipping away
What I don't need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I'm closer to who I'm meant to be
I'm a change in the making

Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me
Without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile
Without tripping on my own feet

Chorus:
This is a redemption's story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you're chipping away
What I don't need

The cat and I

2011-03-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

So today was freedom day for the cat! We’ve had her for a week and the poor thing has spent the majority of that time in the garage (by her own choosing) I figured she liked the garage better because it was cooler in there than the house and with all the stuff in there she could hide herself if she felt the need. So today we slid open the back door and prayed as she walked out that she would not run away. My son and I decided to grab a blanket and make an evening of it so as the day set into the evening we enjoyed the coolness of the night. It was intriguing to watch the cat explore the back yard, especially since she’s been crying every night to get out. She slowly stepped out and began her inspection of the space. She once in a while would look at us and then she would proceed. We sat out in the back for about 40 minutes with her and laughed at her silliness, we especially thought it was funny when she heard the next door neighbors horse I mean dog ( it’s a marmaduke dog!) bark. Her back arched so high and she became stone still, it was too funny. Eventually she relaxed and proceeded with her inspection of the place. I was amazed at the difference from the last time she went outside (she escaped on the first night) I remember trying to coax her out of the neighbors shrub and her only response was a hiss! She is an all together different cat today, so relaxed and comfortable in this new environment. It took her a whole week which in people time would be ummm…scientifically, made-up about 2 months in people time. Of course this observation hits me because I’m still in the “hiding out in the garage phase.” But, I hope just as the cat felt secure enough to explore that I too will eventually be ready to proceed (with caution of course). Anyways back to the cat, after watching her for a while we felt pretty sure that she would not run and decided to go inside the house. She reappeared in the house about an hour after us meowing at me because I had moved her food bowl to the backyard! I got the message and moved the bowl back into the garage, once I did that she sprinted towards it. Who does she think she is anyway! She’s not the boss of me (or is she????) I chuckled as I heard her “crunch, crunch, crunch” through her meal and closed the back door. Two hours of exploration was good for her first time out there and I figure tomorrow we’ll let her out again especially now that we know this truly is her home!

From the wire to the ground

2011-03-09T12:04:00.000-08:00

I have officially walked the high-wire and I am glad to say that I made it safely across! I am gently stepping onto the platform and a thought comes to mind I now need to take the steps to get back to solid ground. I prepare to take my first few steps down and freeze for a moment. Questions fill my mind about what is to come, what will be required of me, and more importantly what will happen when I get there? I try to look down to get a glimpse of whats next but, see only the step in front of me and nothing more. Perhaps that is best, as it puts in place natural blinders which keep me from looking to the right or the left. It keeps me from running as I don't know which direction to take except for that one step, and if I could see the end result I would surely try and find a shortcut to it rather than walk the course I need to walk. So here I go step by step and I remember it says "He directs my steps "and not "He shows me the whole picture and tells me everything!" (I wish it did) I'm thankful, very thankful in fact that I'm not alone and that He has brought me through thus far!

( you can read my first entry about this high-wire here)

The weeded heart

2011-03-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was in the backyard pulling weeds, actually we all were. While we were pulling weeds our handyman was also in the backyard busy fixing the back window. After a while of pulling weeds he walked over and said “you know if you wet the soil it will soften so that the weeds will glide out instead of you having to yank them out.” I realized what he was saying was true because as I was pulling weeds I noticed that areas where the soil was softened the weeds were very easy to pull and came out all the way down to the root. In contrast areas where the soil was hard the weeds were almost impossible to pull. As I continued pulling the roots out I started thinking about the roots the Bible warns against, root of unforgiveness, root of bitterness, root of fear, and so on. I know the Bible says “do not let any root of bitterness ….. But today I realized that these roots the Bible speaks of grow as naturally in our own hearts as they do in the earth. Like the weeds in my backyard they must be pulled out yet, in my heart God is the one who pulls the roots out. Like the soil, it is easier when our hearts are softened. Which got me thinking even more because when I would tug on one of the weeds and it wouldn’t give way I would simply move on to the next. Especially when I know all I have to do is water and wait for that soil to be softened. I wonder, does God wait just the same? Does He patiently wait till our hearts are softened so that our hearts can give way to the process? I know the answer is yes; God not only waits for my heart to be softened, but takes the time to water me as well. I go back to pulling the weeds and ponder these things in my heart.

right as rain

2011-03-02T19:52:00.000-08:00

I have been going through the ringer ( yes even after making it across that high-wire!) BUT I listen to this and it soothes my soul in so many ways and Not just because this is my birthson ( although I am very proud of Evan). So, take a moment and listen to him pour out his heart through his music!

Great job Evan!

* check out shell for the pour out your heart wednesday blog!

tissue paper thin

2011-02-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I began experimenting with tissue paper. I was at my cousin's house the week before and saw that their son Josh had made something similar to this,with the use of tissue paper and stamps. (Josh did an awesome job!) I made three pieces this past weekend, but this last one was for me. I put it right at the entrance to my bedroom. When I walk by and see it on my wall I'm encouraged because I feel as if my strength is about as strong as the tissue paper I used to make this and yet here is this completed picture. Last week I wrote about walking on a tight rope and I am smack dab in the middle of this high wire act. Fear and peace ensue every step. I literally have to remind myself to breathe through it, which is in part why I created this piece. So, this morning I saw my friend Robin had posted on Inspiration Avenue's weekly challenge and decided to join in especially when the theme is hitting me so personally!

A special thanks to graphicsfairy which is where I found the majority of my clip art!

You can visit her site today to see all the submissions for Brag Monday!

"In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind." Job 12:10

It's a high wire act.

2011-02-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

It's a high wire act folks and she doesn't have a net! Let's watch as she steps foot on this wire and did we mention she's afraid of heights ha ha ha ha!!

Yes that is me right at this moment. Only those who know that I'm walking on the high wire know to watch, most are hopeful for me that I will not fall. Others walk on without so much as a hint to this daring act taking place. That's me alright, up there doing something I fear to do, doing something that may render me down to the ground. Or I may make it across, look at the onlookers and smile as I see what I just made it through. But, for now I'm holding on to the balancing beam while feeling the pressure under my foot from the wire. Is it too late to climb down and forget this whole thing? OR even worse is it too late to try and walk across? I glance down ,see no net under me yet know that I must take this next step. Those watching however see the net is so big that they fear not for my life. I not seeing how far and wide the net spreads out to, misinterpret it for the floor. I close my eyes, grip the beam and walk.

no baby for Valentine's Day

2011-02-15T05:15:00.000-08:00

Okay so Friday evening my step-daughter came over ( for her weekend home) and brought with her a baby. Her home EC class was given the assignment of being parents to a baby. This baby would cry, required a bottle, diaper changes, and being held. If she didn't do these things the baby would just wail ( like at 2 and 3 in the morning hee hee hee) I am so glad she had this assignment, not because I'm worried about the choices she may make (not worried as in just normal worried like any sane parent). She even had to bring the baby to a birthday party with her which she was not happy about. Now, my SD is really great with children, she has stated that she wants to have a big family one day but after this weekend, she isn't so sure. There were moments that I'm so glad she experienced for example; I asked her to go to the store with me(hello she loves shopping) but she said it was too much hassle to leave the house with the "baby" (I concur!). Even better was when she was playing Wii and the baby began wailing, she was mad that it interrupted her game! This assignment is one of those "there should be a law" type of things because I'm telling you this was a great experience for her. I remember teaching an abstinence class the week after a group of students did the "baby" assignment and these kids were so eager to hear about how to NOT have sex! Yesterday around 5 a.m. I heard a cry and thought it was my 7 yrs. old, well when I got up I saw my SD feeding the baby for the last time, Needless to say I wasn't able to go back to bed!(grrr bad baby, bad baby) So, I stayed up with her and just watched as she got herself ready in pink in honor of Valentine's Day. We chatted and she was so excited because for Valentine's Day she didn't have to take care of a baby anymore. I think being able to turn in her homework assignment was probably the best Valentine's Day gift she received!.....

For Valentine's Day I dropped off a big Valentine's bear balloon with a gift, I just think it's important to have that public display of love from us. I remember being in Jr High and High School and some Valentine's Days I had a boyfriend who would give me presents and some years I walked around empty handed. I'd rather her hands be filled with our love rather than some random boys version of his!

follow the follower?

2011-02-09T21:09:00.000-08:00

participating in pouroutyourheart
sponsored by thingsican'tsay@blogspot.com

I accidentally “ followed” myself on blogger the other day. I was trying to follow someone else and next thing I knew it said I was following platanosandmangoes. I sat there and thought only me would me follow me. I broke down and messaged my (expert) friend Robin on the matter. At first I laughed at my own crazy mistake but, as I e-mailed the question to her (hey robin, how I do stop following myself?)... just then it really hit me deep. Suddenly this silly thing I did took on a whole new meaning and I began to ask myself the very same question I had just asked her. How do I stop following myself? How do I stop following the old emily who has become more fearful than fearless? How do I stop following in the footsteps of places I’ve already treaded because I’m too afraid to make new prints? It knocked me off my feet(no pun intended, OK well maybe a small one). When and why did I give up the freedom to be who I was intended to me? How do I get back to that once free girl who did things like move to Mexico for 5 months to go serve at a school for deaf children. Where is that girl who truly believed that where God guides He provides? After all, I say that I am a follower of Jesus and that I trust Him. But for sometime now I find that the footprints in the sand are more mine than His. I sit with this revelation and pray...because truly I want to walk not only where I dare to walk, but where God dares me to walk!"

a spoonful of tunnel

2011-02-03T17:37:00.000-08:00

photo by:platanosandmangoes! 2010

(I'm supposed to be doing taxes but, needed a blogging break!)

Ever feel like you're digging your way out of a tunnel with a spoon? Not even a sturdy spoon, but one of those plastic spoons that can't have too much pressure on them or else they'll break! I'm facing a time in my life right now where I feel like I should have a shovel and instead I have this spoon. It forces me to slow down and have patience because this will not be a feat easily overcome. In fact, I'm not sure what this tunnel will lead to, perhaps another tunnel? (smile,cringe) If that's the case I hope I'll find a shovel or better yet a bulldozer!

Lemons

2011-02-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

(participating in Pour out your heart, thanks shell! http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/ )

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. I agree make a situation bittersweet instead of just bitter.

This past weekend my cousin, his wife (love her!) and I headed down to CA because our aunt is in the hospital. We know the inevitable is coming and we wanted to make the trip before not after. When I walked into the I.C.U.room I was taken aback by how different my Tia appeared from the last time I saw her. Upon second glance though her big brown eyes were exactly the same. Her eyes are similar to my mothers eyes. With Alzheimer’s beginning to set in she had to ask me a few times who I was and asked who my mother was as well. When I would tell her, each time she responded the same “aye mi hermana, she’s in heaven waiting for me.” I don’t know how it happened but the last time I was with my aunt was about 4 years ago. So, here we were together once again. I held her fragile hand and just marveled at how these hands once fed our family. She is known for making the best nacatamales (Nicaraguan tamales) Due to the uncertainty of the circumstance a lot of our family is beginning to pour in and visit. I saw cousins who I hadn’t seen in a few years, Uncles and Aunts as well. One aunt I hadn’t seen in over 15 years, it was amazing! Sunday I went and said good bye to my Tia because we had to get back home. Without saying it I think we both knew that this may be the last time we would see eachother. I’m sad, but I’m also heading back home with joy over seeing my family and being able to spend time with them. From the up and coming younger ones to the older ones. This experience I take and drink in, like a tall glass of lemonade not too sweet, not too bitter, and just right.

Memorable moments of this past weekend:

1. Acutely reminded how blunt our family is, most of their greetings were “ Emily, oh hija and then quickly followed by..estas gorda!” ( it’s meant in love , it really is)

2. Spending time with just us cousins, because we wanted to and being able to reminisce of days gone by.

3. My cousin Silvio telling me that our Tia’s were greeting him the same way ( Silvio!...hugs….estas gordo) Gotta love them for their consistency!

4. My cousin Johan recalling a time when his grandma (another one of my aunts whose passed on) once picked him up from school for getting in trouble and didn’t “discipline” him until after she let him play video games, gave him dinner and kissed him goodnite. Then, she closed the door and a few moments later she re-opened the door only to spank him. We laughed so hard.

5. Singing childhood lullabies with my Tia in the hospital. I hadn’t heard some of those songs since I was little! (That moment there I will cherish for the rest of my life)

From Birthmom to Birthfriend

2011-01-26T12:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wrote about Oprah's show where she introduced her half-sister (who was secretly placed for adoption). On the heels of that this morning I am realizing that yes I am a birth mom ,but am slowly becoming a birth friend to Evan. If he composes a song or posts a poem I'm one of the first to click the "like" button on his fb page. It's funny because facebook has allowed us to be a part of each others lives in a way that we've never been before. I've always stayed in touch with his mom and she's been really good about sending me photos ,Christmas letters, etc. Within the last two years we both joined facebook and have interacted with each other more than we ever did before. I do believe it's in part to the fact that he's getting older and thankfully he wants his birth family to be a part of his life. So, the transition begins and I hope the same happens with my other boys. As they grow older and mature the role of mom will lessen and the role of friend will increase. You can read more about my adoption story here!( It's the beginning of my 3 part blogeries!)

oprah and samuel

2011-01-25T10:12:00.000-08:00

I don't often watch the Oprah show BUT, this morning I began to google,YouTube,and yahoo my way through yesterdays episode. Many have heard that Oprah has a sister who was secretly placed for adoption. When I heard the word adoption my ears naturally perked up. At first I had the "say what!" reaction that most would have but then, I immediately felt an emotional tie to the story. I found the clip where Oprah met her sister for the first time on Thanksgiving Day. I got weepy because two years ago Samuel met his brother for the first time on my birthday and we all celebrated Thanksgiving together! Samuel has always known he had a brother and Evan had met Samuel when he was a baby. At the time though Evan was not very interested in any baby and Samuel was too little to remember. So, when we went to visit them it was really the first time they would hang out and get to know each other. Samuel doesn't fully understand why Evan lives where he lives or why he has a different family and he doesn't ask. He takes it at face value that he has a brother and he's content with that. Samuel loves Evan and even wants to learn how to play piano because Evan plays piano (actually he wants Evan to teach him!). I knew that placing Evan for adoption meant that he and Emmanuel would not grow up together. But, when I had Samuel I wasn't sure how their relationship would be. Emmanuel and Evan have had that opportunity to get to know each other and have been around each other but, here was a whole new person to get to know. Samuel and Evan have a big age difference but, whenever they have been around each other it's been really sweet to see them develop their own relationship in this unique situation. I can't help but love even those moments when Samuel was annoying Evan or that Andrew ( Evan's older brother) loved how Evan now had someone to annoy him.(Andrew called it payback time) I finished watching all the clips I could find and got how Oprah felt about having her sister in her life now. It's a blessing and I feel that way about being a part of Evan's life. It's that" it could have turned out another way, but here it is this way" and I love it!

Self-inflicted wounds are still wounds

2011-01-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

A few months ago I stopped blogging due to personal family issues. The last post I wrote was titled "until the smoke clears" and I didn't begin writing again until the smoke cleared enough for me to see the keyboard. It was during this time that we allowed my son to go stay with grandma. He has recently returned for a visit and all was going well until it wasn't. He decided to veer off the road a bit and we found ourselves sitting in the car this morning needing to talk about his off-road "excursion". Once we said all that needed to be said I wrapped my arms around him and just held him. I flashed back to the day he was born and remembered how little he was (he only weighed 6.4 lbs!). As I hugged him I realized that my little baby sure has grown yet, isn't it funny how little big can feel? He's a good kid, he really is but, I worry because I'm not sure which direction he will go. I worry because I know the freedom to make choices goes hand in hand with feeling the repercussions of those choices. I hug him tightly knowing that how I handle this moment right here is defining our relationship in the future. I accept his apology, I hope for his future, and I pray for his well-being.

So that's why they call it "hitting" the pavement

2011-01-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

(Today I am starting a new thing, which is taking part in thingsicantsay's (a.k.a #5) Wednesday's blogging exercise. )

Today I went to a Job Fair and though not as fun as a state fair, they both carried similar attributes. For example, there were plenty of booths there with people enticing you to come and see what they were offering. The job opportunities hung in the air like those ginormous teddy bears that can be won. Some of the "job descriptions" gave you a sense of ease. Like the ease you get when you buy a dozen red plastic rings for $1.00 with anticipation that you'll at least get 6 of those rings on the glass bottles. And just as you're about to toss one of those rings, bam! you overhear someone say " last year we had over 20,000 applicants and only hired 400". Just then at that moment you realize that it will be as easy to land a job as it is landing that red plastic ring around the coke bottle. (Let's hope I'm better at getting a job than I am at the latter) I left with my imaginary Rolodex full of possibilities and and my hope tank pointing more to the E. So, I pray and refocus. I go home and change my heels for my converse. Thank God His mercies are new every morning, I think I've used all mine up today!

Holding a sign while changing your life

2011-01-06T20:55:00.000-08:00

Did you hear the one about the homeless guy who wrote out on cardboard and had his life changed? If you haven't heard about Ted Williams go here and then come back. Okay so I read the story about this gentleman who was homeless,jobless, and well lifeless. He, for whatever reason, had enough belief in the gift he was given to write it on a piece of cardboard and the rest I hope will be history. It got me thinking though I mean here this guy was past the "prime of his life", had made many wrong turns and was at what we would consider a major dead end. Yet, if he had not written those words on that sign, if he had completely given up on the idea of his worth we wouldn't be talking about him today. It encourages me not to give up on the understanding that God has a plan and that it's never too late to step into that plan. I definitely ponder at my life and see wrong turns taken and opportunities missed. The more I think about it the more I relate to Ted Williams after all, keeping a blog is not much different than holding a sign. It's publicly putting yourself out there not sure which passerby will stop for a moment and read what you've written. Often times I don't know who is reading what I write, I technically have "4 followers" ( hi ladies) but for me it's the knowing that I am writing and sharing pieces of my life that makes writing and sharing worth while. So, here's to you Ted and the rest of us silent cardboard sign holders!

Take a moment to watch the cardboard testimony

a new year

2010-12-31T19:25:00.000-08:00

Acts 1:7 " and he said to them, it is not for you to know the times or the seasons, which the Father hath put in His own power."

We are literally hours away from saying farewell to the year 2010 and welcoming the New Year ( a.k.a. the unknown). The disciples had three years of their lives completely turned upside down, they had left all to follow, had seen whom they followed brought to death, and now after experiencing all those things were at what we would consider " the happy ending" of their journey. Jesus was alive and they were all together. So, when Jesus tells them to wait for the promise they ask if the kingdom of Israel would now be restored. After all they endured and experienced their heart was for the reconciliation of the Nation they called home. This was a silent longing in their souls. Could we so quickly settle in for His response? Is there a deep desire in your own life or perhaps a restoration of your own for which you are hoping for? I have many and here the disciples were left with a very simple response " it is not for you to know the times or the seasons."When I first read that verse it didn't leave me comforted, until I reflected on the second half of that verse and here I found my comfort. "... which the Father hath put in His own power." In other words, these are things which are in His hands, not ours. I don't know how you will welcome the New year, or where your thoughts will be when that magical moment occurs and both hands point to the 12. I know for me personally, I will probably have a mixture of emotions.In light of those feelings my prayer is simple, "Lord help us rest in the unknown that You know" and with that let us enter into the New Year!

Happy New Year from platanosandmangoes.com!

My Birthday Garden

2010-11-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

My friend Robin once shared a story she read where two women would write letters back and forth. The one always wrote about her garden and how lovely it was growing, though the rest of her life was perhaps not quite as pleasant. It encouraged me to focus more on “the garden” of my life. So with that thought I share the following:

The Good in my life
I often sit and wonder at what my life was meant to be
How many times my past mistakes would get in front of me
I’ve sat here and lamented at the things I should have done
Sad for all the losses, glad for battles won
Then I begin to ponder, take stock, observe and see
That through it all the good, the bad
He’s meant it good for me.

I’m thankful for my children,
Whether near or whether far
They reside safely in my soul
In this garden, they’re my stars
I look at E-man and see hope
And wait for hope fulfilled
I hear Evans gentle music
And raging waters become still
I smell the scent of Samuel
His laughter is my myrrh
I glance at my stepdaughters
Remembering how small they were

I’m thankful for my parents
My dad, my mom, my Blanche
Without them in my life
I would not have had a chance

I’m thankful for my family
My friends whose hearts I know
I’m thankful for all who come
And help this garden grow.

I’m thankful for what’s coming
His freedom keeps me free
Most of all I’m glad my garden
Dwells in the grace of Gethsemane

She held her breathe, til she got her way

2010-11-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is just around the corner...it's also going to be 6 years since my Mom passed away. She passed on a couple of days after Thanksgiving in 2004. It is during this time of the year that I think about my mom the most. It is honestly the hardest holiday for me and for other family members as well. Towards the end of her battle with cancer the Doctors recommended Hospice for my mom. I found a Hospice facility near my home and she remained there for the last three weeks of her life. We have a big family and rarely was my mom alone. Between my aunt, siblings, and close friends she often had visitors. Hospice prepared us for what was to come and we made it clear that if they began seeing the signs we were to be informed immediately. We knew she would not want to go home alone and we wanted to be there for her last moments here. When the time came I got the late night phone call saying that they were beginning to see signs and that perhaps we should call the family to come down. Soon after I got there everyone began showing up. We were all there except for my youngest sister who at the time was 17 yrs old, she was at my house just a couple of miles away and wanted to come after my mom passed. At first my mom was talking with us and then she fell asleep. My aunt was heading back to California and when she tried to wake my mom up to say goodbye; we realized my mom was no longer responding to anyone. They saw she was not just asleep but now in a coma and we waited. The hours had passed by and we began to see the physical signs of what a Pastor/friend called " the folding of the tent." It was difficult but important that we were there. The moment came when she stopped breathing. I immediately walked out of her room, called my sister, and told her to come now. Friends of ours went to pick her up. When we hung up my uncle came and said," You're mom is not gone, she is still here." I went back to her room and there she was breathing again, still in her comatose state. When my sister arrived I apologized to her but said nothing else. I knew she didn't want to be there for this part of it, but now she was there. A few moments after she arrived the most amazing thing happened, my mom suddenly opened her eyes and began to look around the room. After hours of being non responsive she came to and we all quickly gathered around her bed and began saying hi to her. Slowly her head began to span the room and she didn't just look at us, she beheld us. We told my sister to say hi and with her head faced down she did. It was a gift, we were able to see our mom with her big brown eyes staring back at us for one last time, but more importantly she was able to see all of us and it didn't happen until my sister arrived. Once she looked at us she closed her eyes and couple of hours later she passed on. The months that followed were extremely difficult; it has taken a lot of time to heal and to be able to even talk about her or about the experience. Nowadays my sister and I talk about her with a smile. My mom was the type of person that made friends wherever she went. She had a way with getting her way, and she was known for that! In fact, now looking back Ana and I both agree that our mom wanted her there in the room. Our mom knew the only way to get her there was to well, in a sense, hold her breathe til she got her way.

Until the smoke clears

2010-06-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

I find it telling that the last time I posted anything was on my son's 16th birthday. What I wrote today I cannot post. I desire to be transparent, however my transparency is limited to myself and therefore cannot allow me to post what I recently wrote. I sit, pray and wait until the smoke clears.

We both became older today

2010-06-04T00:22:00.000-07:00

Today my son turns 16 years old yet, I age today too. How did that happen? It's his birthday not mine and I know ,as well as others who have gone before me, that my son turning 16 is a milestone for the parent as much as it is for child. This means that there are two official years left for which I will sign medical release forms and permission slips. I had him at 18 years of age; I look at him and think to myself how insufficient I truly was at that age. Now, I'm 34 and still feel that I'm not sufficient enough to provide him with all that he needs. I look to the One who is sufficient and pray that my son will see that too. Our struggles and moments of anguish feel like eternity at times. Moments when there are smiles and he allows me to hug him are rare. For all the moments, birthdays, tears and joys they add up to the sum of 16 years. In the next 16 years he will establish his life, perhaps marry and know the feeling of holding a tiny little life in his arms. I chuckle at this final thought, will he in the next 16 years understand that which he now claims to not understand? Will he have his answers to the "why mom" questions that he throws at me every time the answer is no? Will he look back and say thank you for being so "mean"? Amidst the candles and the cake these questions swirl in my mind.....I guess I'll let have to let you know in 16 years what the answers are to these questions.

TO MY END

I find myself struggling to raise you

But am determined to fight to my end

I find you are going through your growing pains

And I pray for growth through the pain

At times we smile and laugh

Reminisce when your small hands once fit mine

And I long for those days to my end

Now your arms are long and you grasp

For freedom not yet ready

So I pull you back and I trust to my end

One day you will walk in a different direction

Your life to make your own

Yet my love for you will always be

And I’ll be here to my end.

Happy Birthday Emmanuel!

room for the bloom

2010-05-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

So, I've been busy. Busy teaching teens about abstinence (awesome love it!), busy keeping up with the kids, busy trying to keep up with the home, busy planning my son's birthday party,just plain busy. Let me take this a step further I've been so busy that this entry was penned in my brain about a month ago! You know the saying "take time to smell the roses"? Well, it's not an exaggeration when I tell you that I literally was missing out on the roses. A few weeks ago we had a family get together and my cousin's wife commented on how beautiful the roses looked. I wasn't sure what she was talking about until I went out to the backyard! Lo and behold there they were in full bloom with their vibrant colors popping out! Just a few weeks back they were a plain ole twiggy mess and here they were now looking amazing! It hit me that I almost missed the bloom because; I've been so busy. Tonight I looked at my almost 16 years old as he sat on the couch with long skinny limbs and messy hair. I look at him and see a twiggy mess but, I also see signs of maturity peering through. I see his shoulders are broadening and his face resembles the face of a man. I also see how badly he needs me, although he would be the last to admit it. I stared at him until I made him nervous. He gave me the " what is wrong with you mom?" look and I just sighed. This minor wake up call causes me to be more determined and redeem what time I have left with him. To say I love you even when I know silence will be the response I get because it's just too weird to say " I love you too mom." I am realizing that my baby is no longer a baby, he is a young man and like the roses in my backyard, I don't want to all of a sudden wake up one day and see that before me stands a man where once stood a child. So, busy... you're gonna have to get out of the way because this momma is determined to make room for the bloom!

The best Wedding I never went to!

2010-05-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'm here in Virginia because my dear friend was set to be married today. I had my bridesmaid dress ready and was glad to be able to stand in my friends wedding, especially since she stood in mine. This morning was the wedding date. Everyone got dressed and we drove over to a beautiful southern style home for the reception. I walked in and saw beautiful yellow and blue flowers with nice wooden floors. The tables nicely set ,all arranged with wooden chairs covered in linen white. The Bride and Groom to be stood there together as they walked to the front and shared with their guest ( who had already been previously notified) how thankful they were that all who were there, were there. They talked about God's timing in their lives and how this day was "their" intended wedding day, but not God's. There were tears from friends and family, my eyes were filled to the brim as we solidifed this day. It was a day of rejoicing for what is to come and yet we felt saddness for what didn't come. The Pastor stood and spoke for a moment and acknowledged this brave couple. As the room was filled with worship, I suddenly felt as if I was witnessing a miracle. The glass windows shone the light from outside and the wind caused the trees to gently sway. I sat and watched as the bride-to-be sat next to her groom-to-be and they worshipped with their eyes closed. I began to ponder todays events with a covering of God himself. I began to think about how sad it must have been for the disciples when Jesus died, because it represented to all those around an end to His life. Yet that end was necessary in order for the beginning to take place. Letting go of what we really want is hard, it requires a measure of trust that God will provide. Today....they said no to the wedding so ,that in the future, they could say yes to the marriage. How beautiful is that!

Mr. Chris and the wife

2010-02-19T02:19:00.000-08:00

We're moving, nowhere far just a couple miles down the road, yet those couple of miles change a lot in our life. The house we've lived in was the first place we became a family. My husband and I shared our first years of marriage in this home. In this home, we came home from the hospital with a brand new baby boy in our arms. I remember my neighbors seeing my pregnancy progress and they gladly took a peek of our new bundle of boy. As the years went on, we got to know our next-door neighbors. Morning greetings were a norm and the occasional " can we borrow your ladder?" were common interfaces with them. As our bundle of boy grew so did his desire to explore not just our home, but also our next-door neighbors home. They would graciously allow us to walk our children through their Christmas decorations and would sometimes give us things they thought we could use. A couple of summers ago our neighbor Chris was painting the outside of his house. There he was painting and as always had an unlit cigar hanging from the side of his mouth. Samuel was fascinated and when Mr. Chris allowed him to "help,” Mr. Chris became Samuel's friend. As Samuel grew a little older, he would ask to go say hi to the neighbors. I would let him go, they would say hello, and he would run home. On one occasion, Samuel went to the door and asked Mr. Chris " where's the wife?” They keep an extra fridge in their garage stocked with cold water bottles and about once a week, Samuel asks if he can go get water from them. He claims their water just taste better than ours. For Christmas, we gave them a big pack of water. So, as I began packing I realized this relationship Samuel has cultivated with them is now coming to an end. I can't help but feel a little tinge of pain knowing that where we move will probably not afford us this same experience. After all, they've known Samuel his whole life! I pondered about how much of this friendship Samuel will retain and then it struck me. When I was a little girl, we had an older couple living next door to us. The husband was tall, wore glasses and smoked cigars, just like Mr. Chris. I remember going to their house by myself and just saying hi or playing with their dog. I remember feeling safe and loved by this couple. So, as I reflect on Samuel's experience I can't help but see how full circle life can be. To this day, I love Don Celso and Blanca, they became one of my best child hood memories and I'm so glad to know that Samuel will be able to look back and fondly remember Mr. Chris and "the Wife.”

Sometimes it's just best to live in the first two minutes of a game.

2010-01-19T04:46:00.001-08:00

As most of you know the Cardinals got beat down on Saturday. It was awful and I admit that I am still licking my wounds from it. The game did start with a phenomenal touch down and all my hopes appeared, as if they would become a reality. However, with a 45-14 score my hopes were the Kurt Warner to the reality of bobby McCray. Very sad folks. Going on with my story, I found that living in the first two minutes of the game made me happy and hopeful all over again. So, I got to thinking about the first two minutes of numerous life events. Remember the first two minutes of your life? Neither do I. I do remember the first two minutes of my babies lives. Ahh yes the joy and hope all wrapped up in a tiny new life. How about the first two minutes of marriage? Now that is gold right there! Being pronounced man and wife, walking down the aisle with clapping and whistles. The only aisle we walk down nowadays is the grocery aisle and rarely do we get people around us whistling. How about the first two minutes of driving? Perfect record back then huh? Here is a first two minutes memory zinger, right after I prayed that prayer-Jesus....please....save....me. I remember that one perfectly well. Wow, for me brand new redemption all in the simple utterance of those words. I believe the Bible talks about this when in reference to " returning to your first love.” It was a reminder to go back and live in those first two minutes of His love towards you. So, I am determined to try to live more in the first two minutes of things rather than the 45-14's of our lives. OH wait, here's a last one...remember the first two minutes of your first paycheck? Sigh...me too.

17 again

2010-01-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

Tonite I watched the movie "17 again" with my 15 years old. It was a bit surreal and am always amazed at how movies can impact us! In the beginning of the movie we get that the 17 yrs old is told by his girlfriend that she is pregnant and he makes a choice to marry her rather than pursue a basketball career. I was 17 when I was pregnant with my son although mine didn't have the "fairy tale story" but I'll save that for another day. The movie fasts forward to the couple deciding to get a divorce and the character is given a second chance by becoming 17 again. So here I was sitting with my son as we both laughed at different parts of the movie. I would laugh when the character was enjoying being young and energetic. My son laughed at the sarcastic remarks.( don't know where my son gets his humor from). It was very telling as the movie dealt with parents understanding and relating to their kids and adults getting the" only in movie's "chance to redo certain parts of life. Naturally the movie got me thinking to that fateful day when I told my sons' dad that I was pregnant. I reflected on the course my life took because of the adult choices I made in my teen years. I couldn't help but feel a little ansy at the thought that my own 15 years old could possibly make those same choices and indeed end up with a similar outcome. I quietly prayed for God's grace in his life and in mine. In the end of the movie all is right in the world and you can't help but feel some relief that ,at least on screen, things ended up okay. Truth for my own soul is that in my situation things worked out somehow, perhaps not as idealic as the movie provided, but worked out nonetheless. I wondered if my son connected the storyline with his own momma's story. For now I'll just savour the fact that we were able to watch a movie together and that in itself is a happy ending.

Reflections of the Christian Mind

2010-01-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

Poet don’t weep
It’s not over yet
Lest the Lord’s mercy you too should forget
Humble His actions
Towards all of man kind
Though the anguish of torture
Enclosed in your mind
Rest in the restless
Thou heart how naïve
Mindlessly wandering
The thoughts we conceive
Bearing for the bearer
Who brings us good news?
When we’ve so much to gain
How much should we lose?
Folding, enclosing, drawing you in
Embraced now embraces
To start once again

dedicated to my friend Robin.

New Year's Resolution resolved

2009-12-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about new year's resolutions and why I have always despised them so much. In the past I felt that a certain date did little motivation for modification of one's life. Yet, I feel an urgency to scribe my version of a new years resolution list. I decided to google new years resolutions for ideas and found that #1 on the list is weight loss ( should be #1 on my list as well, but it's not) #2 is stop smoking,woo hoo I'll begin with this one since I don't smoke. Now that I've said what is not on my list let's look at what is. I have certain goals in mind such as writing a book and getting said book published. You know, nothing too lofty here. I did tell my friend today that I had a future goal of moving to Oahu, Hawaii and working as an extra for the various movies and shows filmed there. She laughed ( as did I) but I thought to myself, this is something I would like to do. My list does not hold a due date of December 31st, 2010, rather these are things I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. Watching the New years Eve ball drop from Time Square is squarely on my list. Also on my list is becoming more organized, if only.I do have a wedding to attend in a few months and seeing as how I'm a bridesmaid losing weight is something I'd like to do so I'll add it to my list(what a statistic I am!). I also would like to complete a few more classes for school and continuing the blog is on my list, hey it's cheaper than therapy! It seems that as much as I've grinched the idea of new years resolutions, this year I embrace it. I realize now that the list can represent hope for things to come, it represents clarity of mind to actually write,type, or tweet the various things we wish to accomplish. I do prefer the old fashioned method of writing the list. I am writing this list with the understanding that I am not promised any certain length of time on this earth so I best get to work on my list. I look forward to seeing how much I do get done in a year but again, I do not hold myself to a deadline. So, in just a matter of a few days I'm going to crumple up this year like an old paper and gladly bring out a new crisp year to write on, with erasable pen of course.

Nature Vs. Nurture-Adoption conclusion

2009-12-16T04:32:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and blogged in my mind, is that normal? I haven't blogged since I returned from visiting my birth son's family so, here I am at 5:36 a.m. ready to write. First, being able to visit with my birth son's family truly was an incredible gift we all were given. I felt like I had won the golden ticket and was able to see what many birth mom's don't get to see, the inner workings of their birth child and a week in their lives. With all that said my birth son's Mom and I had a running joke between us throughout the week based on the theory of Nature vs. Nurture. In way layman's terms-those that live in the camp of Nature tend to believe that most of who you are is predetermined by your DNA. Those that live in the camp of Nurture claim it is your surroundings that make you who you are. I happily set my tent up in between both camps and for a very good reason I'll have you know! For the week that I was there I observed my birth son doing things that had nothing to do with his surroundings but were very much associated to the biological side of the family. For example, breathing...I'm kidding. I really did see that and so did his Mom. I also observed certain things about him that had everything to do with the way he has been raised and made a list. For example, when I heard him playing music he wrote I knew that was nature. When I heard him play music with his bodily functions I knew that was nurture. Throughout the week I would so humbly point out which qualities were nurture and which qualities were nature. His mom did find it amazing that anything crude and rude came from nurture while good grades, musical talent, and politeness came from nature. Truth be told I did see things in his personality that were starkly resemblant of my side of the family and believe that our hipcode (DNA) not only attributes to our physical appearances but can also attribute to certain aspects of our personality! Yet, what I also believe and ultimately the reason for which I chose adoption is how you are nurtured, your environment absolutely influences who you are and who you will be. Yes we are born with certain color eyes ,perhaps certain allergies and even certain personality traits but, all that is just the stuff you're born with and does not necessarily define who you are or who you will be. We can look into our own lives and see how our surroundings have impacted us. I can also see how my birth son's family has impacted him and for that I am thankful!

p.s. while I was blogging my husband walks into the room and says " are you blogging!" to which I replied "No" ( especially since he is being so kind to take the kids to school in order to let me sleep in echm echm). Then he said " don't lie to me I see on your screen it says platanosandpoochie"( poochie is a slang we use for the word flatulance). I told you he's a crazy mexican!

My friend, my birth son's Mom.

2009-11-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

The past few days I've been privileged and blessed with the honor of visiting my birth son and his family. It has been the most comfortable and completing experience for us all. My birth sons mom and I are friends first and moms second. I cherish her friendship and cherish her as my birth sons Mom. Earlier today she and I shared with my sister the story of how they came to adopting and how I came to placing my birth son for adoption. Just listening to each others stories and how beautifully we were intertwined left me in awe. I love my birth sons mom. She has an easy laugh, caring eyes and a warmth about her. She is an excellent mother and I appreciate her as a person. Over the course of this visit we have spent hours just talking about children, marriage, and life in general. This visit has definitely drawn us closer to each other. The friendship allows something in this experience that delicately upholds us all and that is trust. Trust in God first because without Him this would have never been, and trust in each other to uphold what has been so beautifully formed. Walking around this friendship is a young man whom we both love deeply. She said it perfectly today, for the love we both feel for him we gladly oblige, we gladly share, and we gladly love. It is perfect and I rarely use that word to describe anything, but in this circumstance it is appropriate. In fact, she and I have decided to write a book together about our experience and how this adoption has truly knitted us. Amazing? Yes.

One night a Mommy: Part 3

2009-11-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

I wanted my son to know that his parents ( Adoptive Parents) were there for him from the very beginning. So, I invited his mom to go with me for the remainder of my Dr's visits. She was able to hear the heartbeat, she was able to see the ultrasound, and both his parents were in the delivery room with me when he was born. I did this for him, I wanted him to know they held him from the moment he was born, which they did. It was joy and tears when he was born. He was this perfect little brown baby boy. He had so much hair, just like E-man had when he was born. I asked for him to be in my room for the one night I would be in the hospital. The hospital had written down on my chart that this baby was being placed for adoption so they couldn't understand my wanting him in the room. I guess looking back now, they were probably more accustomed to closed adoptions where the baby is whisked away and kept separate from the birth mom, I'm not sure. So, for one night I was his mommy. The next morning his mom and dad showed up to the hospital and I was again so joyful over the fact that this couple I had grown to love were going to be the ones to raise my son. She sat with me in the room while making phone calls announcing the baby had been born. Then, the tears welled up and the previous nights pain hit me again. She lovingly put the baby down , held my hand and said" You know, I will be able to tell him that you wept over this." When we all left the hospital they put him in the car and I waved goodbye as I went back to the home I was staying in. The following 3 days were very painful and out of it I wrote three poems. One of which I will post. I saw them the following Sunday at church and we sat together. I held him in my arms as I had the other night, but this time I held him as his birth mom. I knew I was holding my birth son and it was okay. A gentleman from the church came over and put his arms around his mom and I and said "Congratulations to you both!" How perfect was that! We held a dedication ceremony and a couple of weeks later I flew back to Arizona, with E-man in my arms.

The legacy of a Birth mom

Somewhere out there is a woman
Whose heart is thinking of you
She thinks of you everyday
Believe me I know this is true
When she found out she was with child
She had to face reality
knowing she couldn't raise you
She had to face other options you see

Abortion was not the answer
how could she ever kill you
So adoption became her answer
Yet she needed God's strength
to see her through

The thought of letting you go
Haunted her day and night
Yet despite of her pain
She knew that this was right
Don’t think she didn’t love you, didn’t want you, didn’t care
Letting you go was the hardest thing she’s ever had to bear
Her love for you was painful
Yet she hopes one day you’ll see
Because of all her love for you
She was able to set you free

Part 2: meeting my sons parents.

2009-11-18T22:37:00.001-08:00

I knew early on in the adoption process that I wanted an "Open adoption". I couldn't imagine going through life not knowing what my son looked like or him not knowing me. What I was hoping for was the privilege of peeking through the windows every now and then to see how he was doing. I had no expectations of what that would look like, I would have been content with a photo or a letter. I remember going to a restaurant to meet with potential parents for my son. I vividly remember walking into the restaurant and seeing this smiling couple. The husband seemed very nice and his wife had such warm and caring eyes. Without even knowing them, I knew that who I was meeting was my son's parents. I can't explain even now how I knew,except to say that Providence had a complete role in it. I was very young and lacked so much wisdom yet I knew from the moment that I met them, they were the ones who would raise my baby. I left the restaurant sure ,yet wanting to see them again. We met again a couple more times and each time I left being reassured that yes they were the ones. We met at McDonald's while their first adopted child and my first born played in the play area. I knew I would be telling them what I think they already knew, that yes this baby I was carrying in my belly would be the child they'd carry in their arms. I told them both and we wept together. She held my hand and told me that they had already decided that they wanted to help me whether I was going to place the baby for adoption or not. My son's Mom and I really found a kinship that has grown over the years. I trusted them with my most precious son and now 13 years later they are trusting me with their precious son by allowing my family and I to stay with them for a week and visit. Talk about a "little peek" into his life. Never would I have imagined how far back the curtain would be pulled and how much our lives would become so sweetly intertwined.
Click here for part 3!

The Scarlett Letter A of Adoption

2009-11-17T05:11:00.000-08:00

I'm a birth mom, which means I placed a child for adoption. It is an awesome open adoption and I'll write more about that tomorrow. Right now though I am backtracking a bit and the reason I wanted to write these "mini blogeries" ( blog+series) is because in less than a week I will be visiting my birth son ( the son I placed for adoption) and his family. Again, I will write more about that tomorrow. Today I want to talk about the experience of my adoption from the angle of a culture in which adoption is not viewed upon well. Being that I am Hispanic I faced quite an opposition to my decision to place my baby for adoption. It was an already difficult decision to make, but add in the fact that my family and most of my Hispanic friends viewed it as a form of abandonment. I struggled with my own cultural experiences where if you had 10 kids and a 1 bedroom home, you all just slept on the floor! The oxymoron in this though is that abortion would have been completely acceptable and perhaps even the " more responsible" thing to do. I was too young to have another baby and I was not financially nor emotionally equipped to provide what was needed. So, it wasn't so much that I admitted those things, it was more the fact that I didn't choose an abortion. Isn't that strange? How can you give your baby away? Yet "how can you kill your baby?" didn't necessarily come out of any one's lips. Perhaps it is easier if you don't think about it, I'm not sure. For me, choosing to place my baby for adoption meant that I was crossing a cultural pickett line and it was very difficult. Most of my family didn't quite understand what good would come from that decision. It took my Mom about 7 years after the fact to finally say, you made the right choice. Some of my family still today views me as less of a person for the decision I made. I'll be honest, I'm completely okay with that because, I see my birth son flourishing and having the life I had hoped for him and as a birth mom I proudly wear my scarlet letter A, it means that I chose life and life more abundantly for my son.
click here for part two!

a little loose tooth, a big revelation

2009-11-09T09:01:00.001-08:00

So....Samuel (my 6 year old) started growing a permanent tooth behind all of his teeth and I panicked a bit. I wore braces for 5 years when I was little because my teeth were so bad and worried that Samuel may also have problems with his teeth. WELL, this morning he kept saying one of his teeth was hurting and when I checked it we found it was loose! Yes, that means this baby tooth is getting ready to get out and his other tooth will be able to move in. I'm relieved and yet this was an example of what can happen at certain times of our lives. Sometimes there are parts of our lives that are growing and developing without the necessary space alloted for that growth. It almost seems impossible for a change to take place and then it happens, room for that growth. Just like Samuels' little tooth, some things have to go in order for the more permanent things to stay. Let's face it, at times it can feel like " pulling teeth" ( parampamching) and yet I believe the key here is to allow things to occur in their time, rather than rush them. The bible speaks so much of God's timing and today in this sweet little mouth I saw a perfect example of that.

QUINCHO BARRILETE

2009-11-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's okay you're probably looking at the title, thinking " huh what?" It's the title of a very famous song written in the 70's by a man from Nicaragua. Long story short I grew up hearing my family listen to the song and they usually sang along with a bottle of something while playing cards. As a child I thought they were crazy. Years later when I ventured off to Nicaragua I became somewhat interested in this country that my family so loved and yet fiercely fled. Once in a while I will hear a song from those times but they tend to sadden me because it reminds me of my mother, which then reminds me of the fact that she is no longer here. Anyways, tonight I ,for the first time, listened to the song and finally understood it's meaning. The song is about a little boy killed during the revolution,and the song at that time carried a heavy political message which stood contrary to the powers that were(and unfortunately still are). I sat and listened to the song a few more times and even googled it to see how great the impact of that song truly was. I realize now that my family probably listened to the song with that same bittersweet sensation I now feel in my own heart. For them I'm sure it was a jog down memory lane, perhaps an air of what once was and the stark reminder of why it could no longer be. So over cards and spirits(the liquid kind) these songs played and without my knowing they became embedded in me. When I hear this music it will still take me back to those days only now I won't look at my family as if they were crazy(although they were) but I will also fondly look at them in appreciation for what they endured.

When a boo is a yay

2009-10-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

So... I'm watching my Cards tonite ( Cardinals...yes I call them by their nickname... we're cool like that). They played beautifully tonite and it felt sweet because ,if you read a couple of blogs ago,I was able to attend a game yet that ONE TIME I was able to go watch the game live, the Cardinals stunk and Peyton Manning served it to them big. But oh with the Cards playing so tight tonite (24-17) nothing was sweeter than the jeering of Giants fans as Eli Manning got served so hard that even Peyton was hurting! Which got me thinking, the booing of the crowd was music to my ears because it meant that the Cards either made a touchdown...interception....or some other spectacular play. The booing, which most of the time carries a negative connotation actually meant something positive. As in our own lives, there are times when the "crowd" will boo at a decision that we make, or a belief that we hold to and rather than view it as a negative; it at times means that the booing simply opposes them specifically and not necessarily that our decision is wrong. I can look into my own life and see that the road less traveled has often times included naysayers and yet, to me it was effervescently clear that it was the Way.So, keep booing you road-usually traveled travelers, it's only a cheer to me ;)

Sometimes the cover is right

2009-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this past weekend my friend and I attended a Women's Expo. It was a blast, we were able to walk around and enjoy the free samples that were provided at the various tables. When we got around to a salon booth they were offering free makeovers which included hair and make up. There were two stylist available to do hair the one on the left had black nail polish, gothy looking boots and an interesting dog collar looking type of choker. The stylist on the right had her hair in a modern looking style and was dressed in a more everyday wear type of outfit. Okay so as we were standing in line ( because there was a line!) I would watch how the stylist on the right did everyone's hair and how the stylist on the left did everyone's hair. Thankfully my friend was standing in front of me and she went to the stylist on the left and I was able to go with the stylist on the right. We were both sitting next to eachother in their "make shift" salon chairs which sat on a platform (in case other people wanted to see what was going on). Her hair was done first and I could hear the stylist on the left compliment her on how great her hair looked, well when my friend walked around to me I did everything I could NOT to laugh. We had mentioned to the stylist that she was getting married and so the stylist decided to do an updo , but let me tell you that was some type of updo. If the hairstyle had been a test the stylist would have aced it, had she attended the Beauty school of Don King. I of course immediately told my friend I had to take her picture to send to her man, after all once they are married he'll see her when she first wakes up, this was just a sneak peek. Once my hair was done, which came out fabulous I sent a pic to my husband because the stylist did an awesome job on my hair. I would have LOVED to post a picture to go with this blog but it would come at the cost a friendship, so just use your imagination!

a prom dress for the football game

2009-09-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, my hubby won, WON tickets to the cardinals vs colts game for this sunday night. We in no stretch of the imagination could afford the tickets which by the way are going for $150+ on craigslist( yes I did look to see what we could potentially make off of them) BUT, we're not selling the tickets, we have to go to this game...after all it's Warner vs. Manning...c'mon who wouldn't want to go to the game(yawn) kidding. In all seriousness though we were in Walmart and he was looking at some of the Cardinals gear, ya know maybe something to wear for the game. He was holding a jersey, I looked at the price tag(almost $50) and ,in the kindest way possible,reminded him what planet we live on(planet broke). Needless to say we left empty handed(minus the few groceries we got) and then I started thinking about the look on his face when he re-hung the jersey back on the rack, it reminded me of the time I went to a dance with the same old clothes on. My other friends were able to wear their nice new outfits, but not me. So, I realized today that this is my husbands "prom" so to speak and I kinda get why he doesn't want to just be wearing a red shirt amongst the crowds of fans. It's like me showing up to the dance in the same ole same ole. So,needless to say I am going to be searching on CL or savers in hopes to find some cardinals gear for the game, maybe not the jersey but definitely something.

the currency for time is time

2009-09-15T06:00:00.001-07:00

On saturday Night I attended, for the first time, a drag strip event. It was amazing to watch these cars zoom down the strip at speeds that you only see in movies. I was there to watch my Uncle Dwight drive his car down the strip. Cars lined up behind the strip waiting to take their turn, like an extreme version of a disney ride experience. Their run on the strip lasts about 10 seconds yet the idea of getting to run a car at 130, 140 makes those 10 seconds a concentrated dose of time. When the cars were in line at the drag they were probably waiting for awhile, exchanging hours of effort for 10 seconds of exhiliration. In a sense time becomes the currency for time. Although at that high currency exchange rate I just hope that I use my currency wisely.

Death- the photoshop of our lives

2009-08-26T18:17:00.001-07:00

It's all over the news today...Ted Kennedy is dead... he passed away and drifted off into the world of legends such as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Like photo shop on a picture, I watch as the media tends to highlight his good points and accentuate his natural attractiveness while downplaying or "smudging" his not so attractive points. Isn't it funny how death tends to magically erase our mistakes and errors as if we did no wrong? I observed the same thing in M.J.'s death, people focused on his innovative moves and extraordinary talents, while airbrushing the wrinkles and blemishes of his err um baby hanging days. I do embrace this idea of focusing on the good and not the bad of one's life, I really do. After all, when my time comes I would hope the eulogy sounds more uplifting rather than, " she was such a pain, glad she's gone!". I would prefer however, to reflect the photo shopped life now without the necessary step of being dead.

..." to live for me is Christ, to die is gain"

Heart on my digital sleeve

2009-08-26T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well, there I was walking around Ikea with my friend, when I decided to tell her about this idea of blogging. What was I thinking telling my "writer friend" that I was thinking about doing anything with writing?! That's like telling Jacques Cousteau I was thinking about sea diving. So, before I knew it we were at my home with both our eyes widely staring at the screen. Her eyes were widened from excitement, mine were more like deer-headlights type of widening! So, she helped me set up my account and informed me she would become my blog follower...ahhhhh.... and now.....off I go presenting bits and pieces of my heart on my new digital sleeve. Hello blogging, hello digital world and so the journey begins!

2009-08-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

hello it's mii!