right as rain

I have been going through the ringer ( yes even after making it across that high-wire!) BUT I listen to this and it soothes my soul in so many ways and Not just because this is my birthson ( although I am very proud of Evan). So, take a moment and listen to him pour out his heart through his music!

Great job Evan!

* check out shell for the pour out your heart wednesday blog!

From Birthmom to Birthfriend

Yesterday I wrote about Oprah's show where she introduced her half-sister (who was secretly placed for adoption). On the heels of that this morning I am realizing that yes I am a birth mom ,but am slowly becoming a birth friend to Evan.  If he composes a song or posts a poem I'm one of the first to click the "like" button on his fb page. It's funny because facebook has allowed us to be a part of each others lives in a way that we've never been before. I've always stayed in touch with his mom and she's been really good about sending me photos ,Christmas letters, etc.  Within the last two years we both joined facebook and have interacted with each other more than we ever did before. I do believe it's in part to the fact that he's getting older and thankfully he wants his birth family to be a part of his life. So, the transition begins and I hope the same happens with my other boys. As they grow older and mature the role of mom will lessen and the role of friend will increase.  You can read more about my adoption story here!( It's the beginning of my 3 part blogeries!)

Self-inflicted wounds are still wounds



A few months ago I stopped blogging due to personal family issues. The last post I wrote was titled "until the smoke clears" and I didn't begin writing again until the smoke cleared enough for me to see the keyboard. It was during this time that we allowed my son to go stay with grandma. He has recently returned for a visit and all was going well until it wasn't. He decided to veer off the road a bit and we found ourselves sitting in the car this morning needing to talk about his off-road "excursion". Once we said all that needed to be said I wrapped my arms around him and just held him. I flashed back to the day he was born and remembered how little he was (he only weighed 6.4 lbs!). As I hugged him I realized that my little baby sure has grown yet, isn't it funny how little big can feel? He's a good kid, he really is but, I worry because I'm not sure which direction he will go.  I worry because I know the freedom to make choices goes hand in hand with feeling the repercussions of those choices. I hug him tightly knowing that how I handle this moment right here is defining our relationship in the future. I accept his apology, I hope for his future, and I pray for his well-being.

We both became older today

Today my son turns 16 years old yet, I age today too. How did that happen?  It's his birthday not mine and I know ,as well as others who have gone before me, that my son turning 16 is a milestone for the parent as much as it is for child. This means that there are two official years left for which I will sign medical release forms and permission slips. I had him at 18 years of age; I look at him and think to myself how insufficient I truly was at that age. Now, I'm 34 and still feel that I'm not sufficient enough to provide him with all that he needs. I look to the One who is sufficient and pray  that my son will see that too.  Our struggles and moments of anguish feel like eternity at times. Moments when there are smiles and he allows me to hug him  are rare. For all the moments, birthdays, tears and joys they add up to the sum of 16 years. In the next 16 years he will establish his life, perhaps marry and know the feeling of holding a tiny little life in his arms. I chuckle at this final thought, will he in the next 16 years understand that which he now claims to not understand? Will he have his answers to the "why mom" questions that he throws at me every time the answer is no?  Will he look back and say thank you for being so "mean"? Amidst the candles and the cake these questions swirl in my mind.....I guess I'll let have to let you know in 16 years what the answers are to these questions.

TO MY END

I find myself struggling to raise you

But am determined to fight to my end

I find you are going through your growing pains

And I pray for growth through the pain

At times we smile and laugh

Reminisce when your small hands once fit mine

And I long for those days to my end

Now your arms are long and you grasp

For freedom not yet ready

So I pull you back and I trust to my end

One day you will walk in a different direction

Your life to make your own

Yet my love for you will always be

And I’ll be here to my end.

Happy Birthday Emmanuel!

room for the bloom

So, I've been busy. Busy teaching teens about abstinence (awesome love it!), busy keeping up with the kids, busy trying to keep up with the home, busy planning my son's birthday party,just plain busy. Let me take this a step further I've been so busy that this entry was penned in my brain about a month ago! You know the saying "take time to smell the roses"? Well, it's not an exaggeration when I tell you that I literally was missing out on the roses. A few weeks ago we had a family get together and my cousin's wife commented on how beautiful the roses looked. I wasn't sure what she was talking about until I went out to the backyard! Lo and behold there they were in full bloom with their vibrant colors popping out! Just a few weeks back they were a plain ole twiggy mess and here they were now looking amazing! It hit me that I almost missed the bloom because; I've been so busy. Tonight I looked at my almost 16 years old as he sat on the couch with long skinny limbs and messy hair. I look at him and see a twiggy mess but, I also see signs of maturity peering through.  I see his shoulders are broadening and his face resembles the face of a man. I also see how badly he needs me, although he would be the last to admit it. I stared at him until I made him nervous. He gave me the " what is wrong with you mom?" look and I just sighed. This minor wake up call causes me to be more determined and redeem what time I have left with him. To say I love you even when I know silence will be the response I get because it's just too weird to say " I love you too mom." I am realizing that my baby is no longer a baby, he is a young man and like the roses in my backyard, I don't want to all of a sudden wake up one day and see that before me stands a man where once stood a child. So, busy... you're gonna have to get out of the way because this momma is determined to make room for the bloom!

17 again

Tonite I watched the movie "17 again" with my 15 years old. It was a bit surreal and am always amazed at how movies can impact us! In the beginning of the movie we get that the 17 yrs old is told by his girlfriend that she is pregnant and he makes a choice to marry her rather than pursue a basketball career. I was 17 when I was pregnant with my son although mine didn't have the "fairy tale story" but I'll save that for another day. The movie fasts forward to the couple deciding to get a divorce and the character is given a second chance by becoming 17 again. So here I was sitting with my son as we both laughed at different parts of the movie. I would laugh when the character was enjoying being young and energetic. My son laughed at the sarcastic remarks.( don't know where my son gets his humor from). It was very telling as the movie dealt with parents understanding and relating to their kids and adults getting the" only in movie's "chance to redo certain parts of life. Naturally the movie got me thinking to that fateful day when I told my sons' dad that I was pregnant. I reflected on the course my life took because of the adult choices I made in my teen years. I couldn't help but feel a little ansy at the thought that my own 15 years old could possibly make those same choices and indeed end up with a similar outcome. I quietly prayed for God's grace in his life and in mine. In the end of the movie all is right in the world and you can't help but feel some relief that ,at least on screen, things ended up okay. Truth for my own soul is that in my situation things worked out somehow, perhaps not as idealic as the movie provided, but worked out nonetheless. I wondered if my son connected the storyline with his own momma's story. For now I'll just savour the fact that we were able to watch a movie together and that in itself is a happy ending.

Nature Vs. Nurture-Adoption conclusion

I woke up this morning and blogged in my mind, is that normal? I haven't blogged since I returned from visiting my birth son's family so, here I am at 5:36 a.m. ready to write. First, being able to visit with my birth son's family truly was an incredible gift we all were given. I felt like I had won the golden ticket and was able to see what many birth mom's don't get to see, the inner workings of their birth child and a week in their lives. With all that said my birth son's Mom and I had a running joke between us throughout the week based on the theory of Nature vs. Nurture. In way layman's terms-those that live in the camp of Nature tend to believe that most of who you are is predetermined by your DNA. Those that live in the camp of Nurture claim it is your surroundings that make you who you are. I happily set my tent up in between both camps and for a very good reason I'll have you know! For the week that I was there I observed my birth son doing things that had nothing to do with his surroundings but were very much associated to the biological side of the family. For example, breathing...I'm kidding. I really did see that and so did his Mom. I also observed certain things about him that had everything to do with the way he has been raised and made a list. For example, when I heard him playing music he wrote I knew that was nature. When I heard him play music with his bodily functions I knew that was nurture. Throughout the week I would so humbly point out which qualities were nurture and which qualities were nature. His mom did find it amazing that anything crude and rude came from nurture while good grades, musical talent, and politeness came from nature. Truth be told I did see things in his personality that were starkly resemblant of my side of the family and believe that our hipcode (DNA) not only attributes to our physical appearances but can also attribute to certain aspects of our personality! Yet, what I also believe and ultimately the reason for which I chose adoption is how you are nurtured, your environment absolutely influences who you are and who you will be. Yes we are born with certain color eyes ,perhaps certain allergies and even certain personality traits but, all that is just the stuff you're born with and does not necessarily define who you are or who you will be. We can look into our own lives and see how our surroundings have impacted us. I can also see how my birth son's family has impacted him and for that I am thankful!


p.s. while I was blogging my husband walks into the room and says " are you blogging!" to which I replied "No" ( especially since he is being so kind to take the kids to school in order to let me sleep in echm echm). Then he said " don't lie to me I see on your screen it says platanosandpoochie"( poochie is a slang we use for the word flatulance). I told you he's a crazy mexican!