We both became older today

Today my son turns 16 years old yet, I age today too. How did that happen?  It's his birthday not mine and I know ,as well as others who have gone before me, that my son turning 16 is a milestone for the parent as much as it is for child. This means that there are two official years left for which I will sign medical release forms and permission slips. I had him at 18 years of age; I look at him and think to myself how insufficient I truly was at that age. Now, I'm 34 and still feel that I'm not sufficient enough to provide him with all that he needs. I look to the One who is sufficient and pray  that my son will see that too.  Our struggles and moments of anguish feel like eternity at times. Moments when there are smiles and he allows me to hug him  are rare. For all the moments, birthdays, tears and joys they add up to the sum of 16 years. In the next 16 years he will establish his life, perhaps marry and know the feeling of holding a tiny little life in his arms. I chuckle at this final thought, will he in the next 16 years understand that which he now claims to not understand? Will he have his answers to the "why mom" questions that he throws at me every time the answer is no?  Will he look back and say thank you for being so "mean"? Amidst the candles and the cake these questions swirl in my mind.....I guess I'll let have to let you know in 16 years what the answers are to these questions.

TO MY END

I find myself struggling to raise you

But am determined to fight to my end

I find you are going through your growing pains

And I pray for growth through the pain

At times we smile and laugh

Reminisce when your small hands once fit mine

And I long for those days to my end

Now your arms are long and you grasp

For freedom not yet ready

So I pull you back and I trust to my end

One day you will walk in a different direction

Your life to make your own

Yet my love for you will always be

And I’ll be here to my end.

Happy Birthday Emmanuel!

17 again

Tonite I watched the movie "17 again" with my 15 years old. It was a bit surreal and am always amazed at how movies can impact us! In the beginning of the movie we get that the 17 yrs old is told by his girlfriend that she is pregnant and he makes a choice to marry her rather than pursue a basketball career. I was 17 when I was pregnant with my son although mine didn't have the "fairy tale story" but I'll save that for another day. The movie fasts forward to the couple deciding to get a divorce and the character is given a second chance by becoming 17 again. So here I was sitting with my son as we both laughed at different parts of the movie. I would laugh when the character was enjoying being young and energetic. My son laughed at the sarcastic remarks.( don't know where my son gets his humor from). It was very telling as the movie dealt with parents understanding and relating to their kids and adults getting the" only in movie's "chance to redo certain parts of life. Naturally the movie got me thinking to that fateful day when I told my sons' dad that I was pregnant. I reflected on the course my life took because of the adult choices I made in my teen years. I couldn't help but feel a little ansy at the thought that my own 15 years old could possibly make those same choices and indeed end up with a similar outcome. I quietly prayed for God's grace in his life and in mine. In the end of the movie all is right in the world and you can't help but feel some relief that ,at least on screen, things ended up okay. Truth for my own soul is that in my situation things worked out somehow, perhaps not as idealic as the movie provided, but worked out nonetheless. I wondered if my son connected the storyline with his own momma's story. For now I'll just savour the fact that we were able to watch a movie together and that in itself is a happy ending.