The cat and I

So today was freedom day for the cat! We’ve had her for a week and the poor thing has spent the majority of that time in the garage (by her own choosing) I figured she liked the garage better because it was cooler in there than the house and with all the stuff in there she could hide herself if she felt the need.  So today we slid open the back door and prayed as she walked out that she would not run away. My son and I decided to grab a blanket and make an evening of it so as the day set into the evening we enjoyed the coolness of the night. It was intriguing to watch the cat explore the back yard, especially since she’s been crying every night to get out. She slowly stepped out and began her inspection of the space. She once in a while would look at us and then she would proceed. We sat out in the back for about 40 minutes with her and  laughed at her silliness, we especially thought it  was funny when she heard the next door neighbors horse I mean dog ( it’s a marmaduke dog!) bark. Her back arched so high and she became stone still, it was too funny. Eventually she relaxed and proceeded with her inspection of the place. I was amazed at the difference from the last time she went outside (she escaped on the first night) I remember trying to coax her out of the neighbors shrub and her only response was a hiss! She is an all together different cat today, so relaxed and comfortable in this new environment. It took her a whole week which in people time would be ummm…scientifically, made-up about 2 months in people time. Of course this observation hits me because I’m still in the “hiding out in the garage phase.” But, I hope just as the cat felt secure enough to explore that I too will eventually be ready to proceed (with caution of course). Anyways back to the cat, after watching her for a while we felt pretty sure that she would not run and decided to go inside the house. She reappeared in the house about an hour after us meowing at me because I had moved her food bowl to the backyard!  I got the message and moved the bowl back into the garage, once I did that she sprinted towards it. Who does she think she is anyway! She’s not the boss of me (or is she????)  I chuckled as I heard her “crunch, crunch, crunch” through her meal and closed the back door. Two hours of exploration was good for her first time out there and I figure tomorrow we’ll let her out again especially now that we know this truly is her home!

a spoonful of tunnel



photo by:platanosandmangoes! 2010







(I'm supposed to be doing taxes but, needed a blogging break!)



Ever feel like you're digging your way out of a tunnel with a spoon? Not even a sturdy spoon, but one of those plastic spoons that can't have too much pressure on them or else they'll break! I'm facing a time in my life right now where I feel like I should have a shovel and instead I have this spoon. It forces me to slow down and have patience because this will not be a feat easily overcome. In fact, I'm not sure what this tunnel will lead to, perhaps another tunnel? (smile,cringe) If that's the case I hope I'll find a shovel or better yet a bulldozer!

We both became older today

Today my son turns 16 years old yet, I age today too. How did that happen?  It's his birthday not mine and I know ,as well as others who have gone before me, that my son turning 16 is a milestone for the parent as much as it is for child. This means that there are two official years left for which I will sign medical release forms and permission slips. I had him at 18 years of age; I look at him and think to myself how insufficient I truly was at that age. Now, I'm 34 and still feel that I'm not sufficient enough to provide him with all that he needs. I look to the One who is sufficient and pray  that my son will see that too.  Our struggles and moments of anguish feel like eternity at times. Moments when there are smiles and he allows me to hug him  are rare. For all the moments, birthdays, tears and joys they add up to the sum of 16 years. In the next 16 years he will establish his life, perhaps marry and know the feeling of holding a tiny little life in his arms. I chuckle at this final thought, will he in the next 16 years understand that which he now claims to not understand? Will he have his answers to the "why mom" questions that he throws at me every time the answer is no?  Will he look back and say thank you for being so "mean"? Amidst the candles and the cake these questions swirl in my mind.....I guess I'll let have to let you know in 16 years what the answers are to these questions.

TO MY END

I find myself struggling to raise you

But am determined to fight to my end

I find you are going through your growing pains

And I pray for growth through the pain

At times we smile and laugh

Reminisce when your small hands once fit mine

And I long for those days to my end

Now your arms are long and you grasp

For freedom not yet ready

So I pull you back and I trust to my end

One day you will walk in a different direction

Your life to make your own

Yet my love for you will always be

And I’ll be here to my end.

Happy Birthday Emmanuel!

room for the bloom

So, I've been busy. Busy teaching teens about abstinence (awesome love it!), busy keeping up with the kids, busy trying to keep up with the home, busy planning my son's birthday party,just plain busy. Let me take this a step further I've been so busy that this entry was penned in my brain about a month ago! You know the saying "take time to smell the roses"? Well, it's not an exaggeration when I tell you that I literally was missing out on the roses. A few weeks ago we had a family get together and my cousin's wife commented on how beautiful the roses looked. I wasn't sure what she was talking about until I went out to the backyard! Lo and behold there they were in full bloom with their vibrant colors popping out! Just a few weeks back they were a plain ole twiggy mess and here they were now looking amazing! It hit me that I almost missed the bloom because; I've been so busy. Tonight I looked at my almost 16 years old as he sat on the couch with long skinny limbs and messy hair. I look at him and see a twiggy mess but, I also see signs of maturity peering through.  I see his shoulders are broadening and his face resembles the face of a man. I also see how badly he needs me, although he would be the last to admit it. I stared at him until I made him nervous. He gave me the " what is wrong with you mom?" look and I just sighed. This minor wake up call causes me to be more determined and redeem what time I have left with him. To say I love you even when I know silence will be the response I get because it's just too weird to say " I love you too mom." I am realizing that my baby is no longer a baby, he is a young man and like the roses in my backyard, I don't want to all of a sudden wake up one day and see that before me stands a man where once stood a child. So, busy... you're gonna have to get out of the way because this momma is determined to make room for the bloom!

Reflections of the Christian Mind

Poet don’t weep
It’s not over yet
Lest the Lord’s mercy you too should forget
Humble His actions
Towards all of man kind
Though the anguish of torture
Enclosed in your mind
Rest in the restless
Thou heart how naïve
Mindlessly wandering
The thoughts we conceive
Bearing for the bearer
Who brings us good news?
When we’ve so much to gain
How much should we lose?
Folding, enclosing, drawing you in
Embraced now embraces
To start once again

dedicated to my friend Robin.

a little loose tooth, a big revelation

So....Samuel (my 6 year old) started growing a permanent tooth behind all of his teeth and I panicked a bit. I wore braces for 5 years when I was little because my teeth were so bad and worried that Samuel may also have problems with his teeth. WELL, this morning he kept saying one of his teeth was hurting and when I checked it we found it was loose! Yes, that means this baby tooth is getting ready to get out and his other tooth will be able to move in. I'm relieved and yet this was an example of what can happen at certain times of our lives. Sometimes there are parts of our lives that are growing and developing without the necessary space alloted for that growth. It almost seems impossible for a change to take place and then it happens, room for that growth. Just like Samuels' little tooth, some things have to go in order for the more permanent things to stay. Let's face it, at times it can feel like " pulling teeth" ( parampamching) and yet I believe the key here is to allow things to occur in their time, rather than rush them. The bible speaks so much of God's timing and today in this sweet little mouth I saw a perfect example of that.

QUINCHO BARRILETE

It's okay you're probably looking at the title, thinking " huh what?" It's the title of a very famous song written in the 70's by a man from Nicaragua. Long story short I grew up hearing my family listen to the song and they usually sang along with a bottle of something while playing cards. As a child I thought they were crazy. Years later when I ventured off to Nicaragua I became somewhat interested in this country that my family so loved and yet fiercely fled. Once in a while I will hear a song from those times but they tend to sadden me because it reminds me of my mother, which then reminds me of the fact that she is no longer here. Anyways, tonight I ,for the first time, listened to the song and finally understood it's meaning. The song is about a little boy killed during the revolution,and the song at that time carried a heavy political message which stood contrary to the powers that were(and unfortunately still are). I sat and listened to the song a few more times and even googled it to see how great the impact of that song truly was. I realize now that my family probably listened to the song with that same bittersweet sensation I now feel in my own heart. For them I'm sure it was a jog down memory lane, perhaps an air of what once was and the stark reminder of why it could no longer be. So over cards and spirits(the liquid kind) these songs played and without my knowing they became embedded in me. When I hear this music it will still take me back to those days only now I won't look at my family as if they were crazy(although they were) but I will also fondly look at them in appreciation for what they endured.

Death- the photoshop of our lives

It's all over the news today...Ted Kennedy is dead... he passed away and drifted off into the world of legends such as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Like photo shop on a picture, I watch as the media tends to highlight his good points and accentuate his natural attractiveness while downplaying or "smudging" his not so attractive points. Isn't it funny how death tends to magically erase our mistakes and errors as if we did no wrong? I observed the same thing in M.J.'s death, people focused on his innovative moves and extraordinary talents, while airbrushing the wrinkles and blemishes of his err um baby hanging days. I do embrace this idea of focusing on the good and not the bad of one's life, I really do. After all, when my time comes I would hope the eulogy sounds more uplifting rather than, " she was such a pain, glad she's gone!". I would prefer however, to reflect the photo shopped life now without the necessary step of being dead.


..." to live for me is Christ, to die is gain"