Monday, December 28, 2009

New Year's Resolution resolved

I was thinking about new year's resolutions and why I have always despised them so much. In the past I felt that a certain date did little motivation for modification of one's life. Yet, I feel an urgency to scribe my version of a new years resolution list. I decided to google new years resolutions for ideas and found that #1 on the list is weight loss ( should be #1 on my list as well, but it's not) #2 is stop smoking,woo hoo I'll begin with this one since I don't smoke. Now that I've said what is not on my list let's look at what is. I have certain goals in mind such as writing a book and getting said book published. You know, nothing too lofty here. I did tell my friend today that I had a future goal of moving to Oahu, Hawaii and working as an extra for the various movies and shows filmed there. She laughed ( as did I) but I thought to myself, this is something I would like to do. My list does not hold a due date of December 31st, 2010, rather these are things I would like to accomplish in my lifetime. Watching the New years Eve ball drop from Time Square is squarely on my list. Also on my list is becoming more organized, if only.I do have a wedding to attend in a few months and seeing as how I'm a bridesmaid losing weight is something I'd like to do so I'll add it to my list(what a statistic I am!). I also would like to complete a few more classes for school and continuing the blog is on my list, hey it's cheaper than therapy! It seems that as much as I've grinched the idea of new years resolutions, this year I embrace it. I realize now that the list can represent hope for things to come, it represents clarity of mind to actually write,type, or tweet the various things we wish to accomplish. I do prefer the old fashioned method of writing the list. I am writing this list with the understanding that I am not promised any certain length of time on this earth so I best get to work on my list. I look forward to seeing how much I do get done in a year but again, I do not hold myself to a deadline. So, in just a matter of a few days I'm going to crumple up this year like an old paper and gladly bring out a new crisp year to write on, with erasable pen of course.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Nature Vs. Nurture-Adoption conclusion

I woke up this morning and blogged in my mind, is that normal? I haven't blogged since I returned from visiting my birth son's family so, here I am at 5:36 a.m. ready to write. First, being able to visit with my birth son's family truly was an incredible gift we all were given. I felt like I had won the golden ticket and was able to see what many birth mom's don't get to see, the inner workings of their birth child and a week in their lives. With all that said my birth son's Mom and I had a running joke between us throughout the week based on the theory of Nature vs. Nurture. In way layman's terms-those that live in the camp of Nature tend to believe that most of who you are is predetermined by your DNA. Those that live in the camp of Nurture claim it is your surroundings that make you who you are. I happily set my tent up in between both camps and for a very good reason I'll have you know! For the week that I was there I observed my birth son doing things that had nothing to do with his surroundings but were very much associated to the biological side of the family. For example, breathing...I'm kidding. I really did see that and so did his Mom. I also observed certain things about him that had everything to do with the way he has been raised and made a list. For example, when I heard him playing music he wrote I knew that was nature. When I heard him play music with his bodily functions I knew that was nurture. Throughout the week I would so humbly point out which qualities were nurture and which qualities were nature. His mom did find it amazing that anything crude and rude came from nurture while good grades, musical talent, and politeness came from nature. Truth be told I did see things in his personality that were starkly resemblant of my side of the family and believe that our hipcode (DNA) not only attributes to our physical appearances but can also attribute to certain aspects of our personality! Yet, what I also believe and ultimately the reason for which I chose adoption is how you are nurtured, your environment absolutely influences who you are and who you will be. Yes we are born with certain color eyes ,perhaps certain allergies and even certain personality traits but, all that is just the stuff you're born with and does not necessarily define who you are or who you will be. We can look into our own lives and see how our surroundings have impacted us. I can also see how my birth son's family has impacted him and for that I am thankful!

p.s. while I was blogging my husband walks into the room and says " are you blogging!" to which I replied "No" ( especially since he is being so kind to take the kids to school in order to let me sleep in echm echm). Then he said " don't lie to me I see on your screen it says platanosandpoochie"( poochie is a slang we use for the word flatulance). I told you he's a crazy mexican!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

My friend, my birth son's Mom.

The past few days I've been privileged and blessed with the honor of visiting my birth son and his family. It has been the most comfortable and completing experience for us all. My birth sons mom and I are friends first and moms second. I cherish her friendship and cherish her as my birth sons Mom. Earlier today she and I shared with my sister the story of how they came to adopting and how I came to placing my birth son for adoption. Just listening to each others stories and how beautifully we were intertwined left me in awe. I love my birth sons mom. She has an easy laugh, caring eyes and a warmth about her. She is an excellent mother and I appreciate her as a person. Over the course of this visit we have spent hours just talking about children, marriage, and life in general. This visit has definitely drawn us closer to each other. The friendship allows something in this experience that delicately upholds us all and that is trust. Trust in God first because without Him this would have never been, and trust in each other to uphold what has been so beautifully formed. Walking around this friendship is a young man whom we both love deeply. She said it perfectly today, for the love we both feel for him we gladly oblige, we gladly share, and we gladly love. It is perfect and I rarely use that word to describe anything, but in this circumstance it is appropriate. In fact, she and I have decided to write a book together about our experience and how this adoption has truly knitted us. Amazing? Yes.

Friday, November 20, 2009

One night a Mommy: Part 3

I wanted my son to know that his parents ( Adoptive Parents) were there for him from the very beginning. So, I invited his mom to go with me for the remainder of my Dr's visits. She was able to hear the heartbeat, she was able to see the ultrasound, and both his parents were in the delivery room with me when he was born. I did this for him, I wanted him to know they held him from the moment he was born, which they did. It was joy and tears when he was born. He was this perfect little brown baby boy. He had so much hair, just like E-man had when he was born. I asked for him to be in my room for the one night I would be in the hospital. The hospital had written down on my chart that this baby was being placed for adoption so they couldn't understand my wanting him in the room. I guess looking back now, they were probably more accustomed to closed adoptions where the baby is whisked away and kept separate from the birth mom, I'm not sure. So, for one night I was his mommy. The next morning his mom and dad showed up to the hospital and I was again so joyful over the fact that this couple I had grown to love were going to be the ones to raise my son. She sat with me in the room while making phone calls announcing the baby had been born. Then, the tears welled up and the previous nights pain hit me again. She lovingly put the baby down , held my hand and said" You know, I will be able to tell him that you wept over this." When we all left the hospital they put him in the car and I waved goodbye as I went back to the home I was staying in. The following 3 days were very painful and out of it I wrote three poems. One of which I will post. I saw them the following Sunday at church and we sat together. I held him in my arms as I had the other night, but this time I held him as his birth mom. I knew I was holding my birth son and it was okay. A gentleman from the church came over and put his arms around his mom and I and said "Congratulations to you both!" How perfect was that! We held a dedication ceremony and a couple of weeks later I flew back to Arizona, with E-man in my arms.

The legacy of a Birth mom

Somewhere out there is a woman
Whose heart is thinking of you
She thinks of you everyday
Believe me I know this is true
When she found out she was with child
She had to face reality
knowing she couldn't raise you
She had to face other options you see

Abortion was not the answer
how could she ever kill you
So adoption became her answer
Yet she needed God's strength
to see her through

The thought of letting you go
Haunted her day and night
Yet despite of her pain
She knew that this was right
Don’t think she didn’t love you, didn’t want you, didn’t care
Letting you go was the hardest thing she’s ever had to bear
Her love for you was painful
Yet she hopes one day you’ll see
Because of all her love for you
She was able to set you free

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Part 2: meeting my sons parents.

I knew early on in the adoption process that I wanted an "Open adoption". I couldn't imagine going through life not knowing what my son looked like or him not knowing me. What I was hoping for was the privilege of peeking through the windows every now and then to see how he was doing. I had no expectations of what that would look like, I would have been content with a photo or a letter. I remember going to a restaurant to meet with potential parents for my son. I vividly remember walking into the restaurant and seeing this smiling couple. The husband seemed very nice and his wife had such warm and caring eyes. Without even knowing them, I knew that who I was meeting was my son's parents. I can't explain even now how I knew,except to say that Providence had a complete role in it. I was very young and lacked so much wisdom yet I knew from the moment that I met them, they were the ones who would raise my baby. I left the restaurant sure ,yet wanting to see them again. We met again a couple more times and each time I left being reassured that yes they were the ones. We met at McDonald's while their first adopted child and my first born played in the play area. I knew I would be telling them what I think they already knew, that yes this baby I was carrying in my belly would be the child they'd carry in their arms. I told them both and we wept together. She held my hand and told me that they had already decided that they wanted to help me whether I was going to place the baby for adoption or not. My son's Mom and I really found a kinship that has grown over the years. I trusted them with my most precious son and now 13 years later they are trusting me with their precious son by allowing my family and I to stay with them for a week and visit. Talk about a "little peek" into his life. Never would I have imagined how far back the curtain would be pulled and how much our lives would become so sweetly intertwined.
Click here for part 3!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Scarlett Letter A of Adoption

I'm a birth mom, which means I placed a child for adoption. It is an awesome open adoption and I'll write more about that tomorrow. Right now though I am backtracking a bit and the reason I wanted to write these "mini blogeries" ( blog+series) is because in less than a week I will be visiting my birth son ( the son I placed for adoption) and his family. Again, I will write more about that tomorrow. Today I want to talk about the experience of my adoption from the angle of a culture in which adoption is not viewed upon well. Being that I am Hispanic I faced quite an opposition to my decision to place my baby for adoption. It was an already difficult decision to make, but add in the fact that my family and most of my Hispanic friends viewed it as a form of abandonment. I struggled with my own cultural experiences where if you had 10 kids and a 1 bedroom home, you all just slept on the floor! The oxymoron in this though is that abortion would have been completely acceptable and perhaps even the " more responsible" thing to do. I was too young to have another baby and I was not financially nor emotionally equipped to provide what was needed. So, it wasn't so much that I admitted those things, it was more the fact that I didn't choose an abortion. Isn't that strange? How can you give your baby away? Yet "how can you kill your baby?" didn't necessarily come out of any one's lips. Perhaps it is easier if you don't think about it, I'm not sure. For me, choosing to place my baby for adoption meant that I was crossing a cultural pickett line and it was very difficult. Most of my family didn't quite understand what good would come from that decision. It took my Mom about 7 years after the fact to finally say, you made the right choice. Some of my family still today views me as less of a person for the decision I made. I'll be honest, I'm completely okay with that because, I see my birth son flourishing and having the life I had hoped for him and as a birth mom I proudly wear my scarlet letter A, it means that I chose life and life more abundantly for my son.
click here for part two!

Monday, November 9, 2009

a little loose tooth, a big revelation

So....Samuel (my 6 year old) started growing a permanent tooth behind all of his teeth and I panicked a bit. I wore braces for 5 years when I was little because my teeth were so bad and worried that Samuel may also have problems with his teeth. WELL, this morning he kept saying one of his teeth was hurting and when I checked it we found it was loose! Yes, that means this baby tooth is getting ready to get out and his other tooth will be able to move in. I'm relieved and yet this was an example of what can happen at certain times of our lives. Sometimes there are parts of our lives that are growing and developing without the necessary space alloted for that growth. It almost seems impossible for a change to take place and then it happens, room for that growth. Just like Samuels' little tooth, some things have to go in order for the more permanent things to stay. Let's face it, at times it can feel like " pulling teeth" ( parampamching) and yet I believe the key here is to allow things to occur in their time, rather than rush them. The bible speaks so much of God's timing and today in this sweet little mouth I saw a perfect example of that.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


It's okay you're probably looking at the title, thinking " huh what?" It's the title of a very famous song written in the 70's by a man from Nicaragua. Long story short I grew up hearing my family listen to the song and they usually sang along with a bottle of something while playing cards. As a child I thought they were crazy. Years later when I ventured off to Nicaragua I became somewhat interested in this country that my family so loved and yet fiercely fled. Once in a while I will hear a song from those times but they tend to sadden me because it reminds me of my mother, which then reminds me of the fact that she is no longer here. Anyways, tonight I ,for the first time, listened to the song and finally understood it's meaning. The song is about a little boy killed during the revolution,and the song at that time carried a heavy political message which stood contrary to the powers that were(and unfortunately still are). I sat and listened to the song a few more times and even googled it to see how great the impact of that song truly was. I realize now that my family probably listened to the song with that same bittersweet sensation I now feel in my own heart. For them I'm sure it was a jog down memory lane, perhaps an air of what once was and the stark reminder of why it could no longer be. So over cards and spirits(the liquid kind) these songs played and without my knowing they became embedded in me. When I hear this music it will still take me back to those days only now I won't look at my family as if they were crazy(although they were) but I will also fondly look at them in appreciation for what they endured.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

When a boo is a yay

So... I'm watching my Cards tonite ( Cardinals...yes I call them by their nickname... we're cool like that). They played beautifully tonite and it felt sweet because ,if you read a couple of blogs ago,I was able to attend a game yet that ONE TIME I was able to go watch the game live, the Cardinals stunk and Peyton Manning served it to them big. But oh with the Cards playing so tight tonite (24-17) nothing was sweeter than the jeering of Giants fans as Eli Manning got served so hard that even Peyton was hurting! Which got me thinking, the booing of the crowd was music to my ears because it meant that the Cards either made a touchdown...interception....or some other spectacular play. The booing, which most of the time carries a negative connotation actually meant something positive. As in our own lives, there are times when the "crowd" will boo at a decision that we make, or a belief that we hold to and rather than view it as a negative; it at times means that the booing simply opposes them specifically and not necessarily that our decision is wrong. I can look into my own life and see that the road less traveled has often times included naysayers and yet, to me it was effervescently clear that it was the Way.So, keep booing you road-usually traveled travelers, it's only a cheer to me ;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sometimes the cover is right

Okay, so this past weekend my friend and I attended a Women's Expo. It was a blast, we were able to walk around and enjoy the free samples that were provided at the various tables. When we got around to a salon booth they were offering free makeovers which included hair and make up. There were two stylist available to do hair the one on the left had black nail polish, gothy looking boots and an interesting dog collar looking type of choker. The stylist on the right had her hair in a modern looking style and was dressed in a more everyday wear type of outfit. Okay so as we were standing in line ( because there was a line!) I would watch how the stylist on the right did everyone's hair and how the stylist on the left did everyone's hair. Thankfully my friend was standing in front of me and she went to the stylist on the left and I was able to go with the stylist on the right. We were both sitting next to eachother in their "make shift" salon chairs which sat on a platform (in case other people wanted to see what was going on). Her hair was done first and I could hear the stylist on the left compliment her on how great her hair looked, well when my friend walked around to me I did everything I could NOT to laugh. We had mentioned to the stylist that she was getting married and so the stylist decided to do an updo , but let me tell you that was some type of updo. If the hairstyle had been a test the stylist would have aced it, had she attended the Beauty school of Don King. I of course immediately told my friend I had to take her picture to send to her man, after all once they are married he'll see her when she first wakes up, this was just a sneak peek. Once my hair was done, which came out fabulous I sent a pic to my husband because the stylist did an awesome job on my hair. I would have LOVED to post a picture to go with this blog but it would come at the cost a friendship, so just use your imagination!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

a prom dress for the football game

So, my hubby won, WON tickets to the cardinals vs colts game for this sunday night. We in no stretch of the imagination could afford the tickets which by the way are going for $150+ on craigslist( yes I did look to see what we could potentially make off of them) BUT, we're not selling the tickets, we have to go to this game...after all it's Warner vs. Manning...c'mon who wouldn't want to go to the game(yawn) kidding. In all seriousness though we were in Walmart and he was looking at some of the Cardinals gear, ya know maybe something to wear for the game. He was holding a jersey, I looked at the price tag(almost $50) and ,in the kindest way possible,reminded him what planet we live on(planet broke). Needless to say we left empty handed(minus the few groceries we got) and then I started thinking about the look on his face when he re-hung the jersey back on the rack, it reminded me of the time I went to a dance with the same old clothes on. My other friends were able to wear their nice new outfits, but not me. So, I realized today that this is my husbands "prom" so to speak and I kinda get why he doesn't want to just be wearing a red shirt amongst the crowds of fans. It's like me showing up to the dance in the same ole same ole. So,needless to say I am going to be searching on CL or savers in hopes to find some cardinals gear for the game, maybe not the jersey but definitely something.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

the currency for time is time

On saturday Night I attended, for the first time, a drag strip event. It was amazing to watch these cars zoom down the strip at speeds that you only see in movies. I was there to watch my Uncle Dwight drive his car down the strip. Cars lined up behind the strip waiting to take their turn, like an extreme version of a disney ride experience. Their run on the strip lasts about 10 seconds yet the idea of getting to run a car at 130, 140 makes those 10 seconds a concentrated dose of time. When the cars were in line at the drag they were probably waiting for awhile, exchanging hours of effort for 10 seconds of exhiliration. In a sense time becomes the currency for time. Although at that high currency exchange rate I just hope that I use my currency wisely.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Death- the photoshop of our lives

It's all over the news today...Ted Kennedy is dead... he passed away and drifted off into the world of legends such as Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. Like photo shop on a picture, I watch as the media tends to highlight his good points and accentuate his natural attractiveness while downplaying or "smudging" his not so attractive points. Isn't it funny how death tends to magically erase our mistakes and errors as if we did no wrong? I observed the same thing in M.J.'s death, people focused on his innovative moves and extraordinary talents, while airbrushing the wrinkles and blemishes of his err um baby hanging days. I do embrace this idea of focusing on the good and not the bad of one's life, I really do. After all, when my time comes I would hope the eulogy sounds more uplifting rather than, " she was such a pain, glad she's gone!". I would prefer however, to reflect the photo shopped life now without the necessary step of being dead.

..." to live for me is Christ, to die is gain"

Heart on my digital sleeve

Well, there I was walking around Ikea with my friend, when I decided to tell her about this idea of blogging. What was I thinking telling my "writer friend" that I was thinking about doing anything with writing?! That's like telling Jacques Cousteau I was thinking about sea diving. So, before I knew it we were at my home with both our eyes widely staring at the screen. Her eyes were widened from excitement, mine were more like deer-headlights type of widening! So, she helped me set  up my account and informed me she would become my blog follower...ahhhhh....  and I go presenting bits and pieces of my heart on my new digital sleeve. Hello blogging, hello digital world and so the journey begins!

hello it's mii!
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